Single Man seeking....

Is it just me, or is EVERYONE getting engaged/married?

In the last month, my Facebook news feed is bombarded with engagement photos, wedding photos, and gushy status updates about how in love they are.

Honestly, I'm super happy for those people. Truly, I am.

However, it doesn't make me feel much better. I feel like I'm running out of time. Ridiculous? Yeah. It is. I mean, really. I'm only 20 years old. I'm (moderately) attractive. I have a full life ahead of me. I shouldn't be freaking out. But why is it every time I think about someone tying the knot, I feel like I'm running out of time. I mean, I haven't gone on a date in almost 2 years. Granted, it isn't that long of a time period. I know some people have it worse (I understand your pain, if you have pain. I'm not trying to be rude.) I have to keep reminding myself to take a step back, breathe, and just wait for the storm to pass by.

At the same time, I have a have a problem.

According to my friend Brittany, I have a "big heart."

I'm overly nostalgic. I read into things way to much. My feelings take over.

In some ways, this isn't a bad thing.

In others, it is horrible.

I have a tendency to misread friendships. I have a tendency to try and find more where there isn't.

Prime example:

Last year, there was a girl in particular that I had been interested in for quite sometime. We started to get a whole lot closer, and I thought she was genuinely interested. As the whole thing played out, I found out that she did not feel the same way, and I ended up being crushed. (A lot more than I let on.)

And yeah, situations like this happen to everyone. But I can think of about 5 other people right off the top of my head whom this has happened with. Not all of them were as serious as this one. (This one and one more had me extremely torn up. Bad.)

In the end, I moved on as best as I could. There was a little bit of awkwardness for awhile, but we were able to salvage our friendship and put everything behind us.

However, recently she ended a relationship she was in. I feel bad for her.

I feel like a horrible person, but some thoughts crossed my mind:

"Would things have been different if we were together?"

"Should I try to start things up again?"

"Would it be worth it to try and be her rebound?"

As fast as I possible could, I dismissed these horrid thoughts. First off I've already tried to go down that road and found it to be a dead end. Two, I'm good friends with her ex. Three, it is completely not fair to her at all.

(If you're reading this and you realize I'm talking about you, I deeply apologize. I'm on a rant right now, and I'm not going to be creepy and come after you and "make my move.")

Anyways, I'm kind of off subject.

But really, I read into things way too much.

"What does that text message mean?"

"They are looking at me. Does that mean something?"

"That Facebook wall post... What was that for?"

In all of reality, they are probably just being friendly and saying "Hey!"

Now you are probably thinking what a creeper I am, and you are going to refrain from talking to me. Great. That's not what I'm trying to do here.

I'm going to just wrap this up, and stop digging myself into a hole.

I'm tired and I'm not thinking straight.

To wrap things up.... I'm tired of seeing people finding their soul mates when I can't find someone cute to go out to the movies and cuddle with. That's all I want right now.

Goodnight, folks.

Packing lightly....

and still managing to look amazingly attractive.

It might be hard, but I think I can do it!

Europe in less than 2 days!

I'm so excited.

First time overseas.

This will be legit.

It's also a good time to get away for awhile.

There has been so much.... drama, for lack of a better word.

It's best if I distance myself from a few people.

I have gotten into this bad habit of mistaking really good friendships for something more.

I do it constantly.... For some reason, I can't help it.

Luckily, when the truth came out, those friends were very gracious and understanding.

I was so afraid of telling them because I knew they probably didn't feel the same way.

I was also afraid that it would completely ruin everything.

While I was correct in the fact they didn't return those feelings (and that led to some heartbreak)....

It didn't ruin our friendships.

And that, I am very thankful for.

The scenario I just described happened again recently.

Fleeing the country might not be a good idea to get away from all problems.

But this time, I think it is exactly what I need.

Plus, I've been planning this trip for over a year, so it doesn't really matter. :)

As most of my friends know, I'm kind of a helpless romantic.

I find this constant need to find someone quickly.

I have several friends right now who are planning their weddings.

While I'm soooo excited for them,

I constantly feel this pressure that I need to find someone.

I'm running out of time.

I know that's ridiculous.

I turn 20 next month.

I have plenty of good years ahead of me.

And realistically, I don't need someone right now.

That helps some...

But, I constantly find myself asking,

"Why do I have to wait?"

Before I date someone, I want to know them somewhat well before I start a relationship.

I don't want to jump into something blindly.

And I have all these beautiful, amazing, Christian friends.

So, is that where I'm going wrong?

Do I need to jump into something?

Should I not be really good friends with someone before I attempt to date them?

I'm so tired of being jealous of what other people have.

I'm tired of looking for someone.

I'm tired of all this heartbreak.

All this emotional baggage is weighing me down.

So that is what I'm working on.

Packing lightly.

But still managing to look amazingly attractive.

:)

- Brennan

Do you ever...

....wake up thinking about something?
Then you think about it all day long...
Thinking about it.
Analyzing it.
Pondering about it.
Wondering about it.
Imagining what would happen if....

You think about it so much it makes you sick...
You want to stop,
But the more you want to stop, the more it consumes you.
And it just keeps going, and going, and going.....

It just won't get out of your head.

-----


Today is one of those days.

On my mind the second my eyes flickered open to the sound of my alarm...



I'm in complete agony.






I just want it to go away....

Almost 6 months have gone by...

And I haven't posted a blog in quite some time...

It seems like I have abandoned this blog.

It really wasn't my intention.

I'm going to try and start it up again.

A part of me wants to try and fill in the world what I've been doing with my life since last November, but viewing my past posts, I never really gave a whole lot of insight into my life.

Just some frivolous posts about my life at the time.

So much has changed since then.

While I'm still Brennan,

I'm not remotely the same person.

I've changed.

If you're wondering how I've changed,

Well, I'll fill you in.

My primary social group has shifted numerous times.

My outlook on life is different.

I've had my heart broken several times,

and it is still mending.

I've gotten closer to some people who I never thought I would...

And some friendships are fading fast....

A dark storm cloud seems to be looming over my head constantly.

Last week, I came to the realization that I'm the furthest away from God I've ever been.

And that scares me.

I'm not living my life anywhere remotely near where God wants me to be.

Church has become a social event, rather than a worship event.

Instead of being firm in what I believe in, my views are constantly changed by the people I'm around.

I'm not who I need to be. Not who I want to be. Not who God wants me to be.

I'm working on that right now.

Who is Brennan Seth Tracy?

An almost 20 year old boy.

Dark Blonde Hair. Blue eyes.

Unlucky in love.

A mess.

Crazy.

Friendly.

Dark.

The list goes on.

We change daily. We are shaped by the events in our life.

I'm different.

But different isn't always a bad thing.