Working out.

Once again, it seems as if I abandoned my blog. I always get in these moods where I want to blog about everything (like right now.) I have a couple posts, and then 7 months later I remember I still have this silly old thing. What spurred this current "blogging phase"? Well, it probably has something to do with my recent obsession with http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ It's absolutely wonderful. Check it out.

Anyway, so for the last few months, I've been planning on working out a whole lot more. Yeah, I know. Sounds ridiculous, but I never had the initiative to actually go to the gym. It was always something like, "I'm too tired tonight." Or "I'm too busy." Or "I need to get a jump start on this reading" (which never actually happened.) And sometimes, when I had no other excuse, I was like....

Well, today my lovely friend Jackie and I went to get smoothies at lunch today. She got one for her boyfriend Ryan, and we brought it back to campus for him. We went to take it to his work, and he works at the gym on campus. We walked inside, and honestly I wanted to run away from that place. It scares me.

Do you remember in the movie Elizabethtown when Orlando Bloom's character is about to commit suicide at the beginning, and he rigs the exercise bike to stab whoever sits on it? Well, that's what I think when I get on one of those things. I'm afraid that it's going to stab me.

Well, anyway, I had a couple hours of free time, and I really just wanted to take a nap, but I thought, "You know, I've been putting exercising off for a long time now. You should start now." So, while we were visiting Ryan, I said, "I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm going to change clothes and come work out."

Since I told Ryan I was coming back, I had to! I promised him! I didn't want to lie to him. He is really nice.

I walked back to my room and changed clothes. I was like, "WHYYY DID I TELL HIM I'D BE BACKKKK.... I WOULD RATHER STAB OUT MY EYES AND EAT THEM THAN DO ACTUAL EXERCISEEEE. WAHHHHHHH!!!!"

Because, let's be honest, I'm lazy. Ridiculously lazy.

However, lazy leads to fat. And I'm well on my way there.

And if I want to be the next James Bond someday, I need to get in shape. I have a whole hell of a lot of work to do.

So, I went back up to the gym and started my work out.

And for real, I have no idea what I'm doing when I go up there. I do the ellipticals, and some of the other machines until I feel like I'm dying and Jesus doesn't love me anymore.

So. I made it through day one. It's kind of like a miracle.

I really need to make it an everyday habit.

I hope it doesn't last two days.

Anyway, I made the mistake of stepping on a scale in the bathroom. Tragic mistake.

Now, I feel like I'm morbidly obese, and I need to stop eating food forever. And it really sucks because I want ice cream right now, but I'm refraining from that for awhile.

I also feel like I'm going to be ridiculously sore in the morning.

Single Man seeking....

Is it just me, or is EVERYONE getting engaged/married?

In the last month, my Facebook news feed is bombarded with engagement photos, wedding photos, and gushy status updates about how in love they are.

Honestly, I'm super happy for those people. Truly, I am.

However, it doesn't make me feel much better. I feel like I'm running out of time. Ridiculous? Yeah. It is. I mean, really. I'm only 20 years old. I'm (moderately) attractive. I have a full life ahead of me. I shouldn't be freaking out. But why is it every time I think about someone tying the knot, I feel like I'm running out of time. I mean, I haven't gone on a date in almost 2 years. Granted, it isn't that long of a time period. I know some people have it worse (I understand your pain, if you have pain. I'm not trying to be rude.) I have to keep reminding myself to take a step back, breathe, and just wait for the storm to pass by.

At the same time, I have a have a problem.

According to my friend Brittany, I have a "big heart."

I'm overly nostalgic. I read into things way to much. My feelings take over.

In some ways, this isn't a bad thing.

In others, it is horrible.

I have a tendency to misread friendships. I have a tendency to try and find more where there isn't.

Prime example:

Last year, there was a girl in particular that I had been interested in for quite sometime. We started to get a whole lot closer, and I thought she was genuinely interested. As the whole thing played out, I found out that she did not feel the same way, and I ended up being crushed. (A lot more than I let on.)

And yeah, situations like this happen to everyone. But I can think of about 5 other people right off the top of my head whom this has happened with. Not all of them were as serious as this one. (This one and one more had me extremely torn up. Bad.)

In the end, I moved on as best as I could. There was a little bit of awkwardness for awhile, but we were able to salvage our friendship and put everything behind us.

However, recently she ended a relationship she was in. I feel bad for her.

I feel like a horrible person, but some thoughts crossed my mind:

"Would things have been different if we were together?"

"Should I try to start things up again?"

"Would it be worth it to try and be her rebound?"

As fast as I possible could, I dismissed these horrid thoughts. First off I've already tried to go down that road and found it to be a dead end. Two, I'm good friends with her ex. Three, it is completely not fair to her at all.

(If you're reading this and you realize I'm talking about you, I deeply apologize. I'm on a rant right now, and I'm not going to be creepy and come after you and "make my move.")

Anyways, I'm kind of off subject.

But really, I read into things way too much.

"What does that text message mean?"

"They are looking at me. Does that mean something?"

"That Facebook wall post... What was that for?"

In all of reality, they are probably just being friendly and saying "Hey!"

Now you are probably thinking what a creeper I am, and you are going to refrain from talking to me. Great. That's not what I'm trying to do here.

I'm going to just wrap this up, and stop digging myself into a hole.

I'm tired and I'm not thinking straight.

To wrap things up.... I'm tired of seeing people finding their soul mates when I can't find someone cute to go out to the movies and cuddle with. That's all I want right now.

Goodnight, folks.

Packing lightly....

and still managing to look amazingly attractive.

It might be hard, but I think I can do it!

Europe in less than 2 days!

I'm so excited.

First time overseas.

This will be legit.

It's also a good time to get away for awhile.

There has been so much.... drama, for lack of a better word.

It's best if I distance myself from a few people.

I have gotten into this bad habit of mistaking really good friendships for something more.

I do it constantly.... For some reason, I can't help it.

Luckily, when the truth came out, those friends were very gracious and understanding.

I was so afraid of telling them because I knew they probably didn't feel the same way.

I was also afraid that it would completely ruin everything.

While I was correct in the fact they didn't return those feelings (and that led to some heartbreak)....

It didn't ruin our friendships.

And that, I am very thankful for.

The scenario I just described happened again recently.

Fleeing the country might not be a good idea to get away from all problems.

But this time, I think it is exactly what I need.

Plus, I've been planning this trip for over a year, so it doesn't really matter. :)

As most of my friends know, I'm kind of a helpless romantic.

I find this constant need to find someone quickly.

I have several friends right now who are planning their weddings.

While I'm soooo excited for them,

I constantly feel this pressure that I need to find someone.

I'm running out of time.

I know that's ridiculous.

I turn 20 next month.

I have plenty of good years ahead of me.

And realistically, I don't need someone right now.

That helps some...

But, I constantly find myself asking,

"Why do I have to wait?"

Before I date someone, I want to know them somewhat well before I start a relationship.

I don't want to jump into something blindly.

And I have all these beautiful, amazing, Christian friends.

So, is that where I'm going wrong?

Do I need to jump into something?

Should I not be really good friends with someone before I attempt to date them?

I'm so tired of being jealous of what other people have.

I'm tired of looking for someone.

I'm tired of all this heartbreak.

All this emotional baggage is weighing me down.

So that is what I'm working on.

Packing lightly.

But still managing to look amazingly attractive.

:)

- Brennan

Do you ever...

....wake up thinking about something?
Then you think about it all day long...
Thinking about it.
Analyzing it.
Pondering about it.
Wondering about it.
Imagining what would happen if....

You think about it so much it makes you sick...
You want to stop,
But the more you want to stop, the more it consumes you.
And it just keeps going, and going, and going.....

It just won't get out of your head.

-----


Today is one of those days.

On my mind the second my eyes flickered open to the sound of my alarm...



I'm in complete agony.






I just want it to go away....

Almost 6 months have gone by...

And I haven't posted a blog in quite some time...

It seems like I have abandoned this blog.

It really wasn't my intention.

I'm going to try and start it up again.

A part of me wants to try and fill in the world what I've been doing with my life since last November, but viewing my past posts, I never really gave a whole lot of insight into my life.

Just some frivolous posts about my life at the time.

So much has changed since then.

While I'm still Brennan,

I'm not remotely the same person.

I've changed.

If you're wondering how I've changed,

Well, I'll fill you in.

My primary social group has shifted numerous times.

My outlook on life is different.

I've had my heart broken several times,

and it is still mending.

I've gotten closer to some people who I never thought I would...

And some friendships are fading fast....

A dark storm cloud seems to be looming over my head constantly.

Last week, I came to the realization that I'm the furthest away from God I've ever been.

And that scares me.

I'm not living my life anywhere remotely near where God wants me to be.

Church has become a social event, rather than a worship event.

Instead of being firm in what I believe in, my views are constantly changed by the people I'm around.

I'm not who I need to be. Not who I want to be. Not who God wants me to be.

I'm working on that right now.

Who is Brennan Seth Tracy?

An almost 20 year old boy.

Dark Blonde Hair. Blue eyes.

Unlucky in love.

A mess.

Crazy.

Friendly.

Dark.

The list goes on.

We change daily. We are shaped by the events in our life.

I'm different.

But different isn't always a bad thing.

It's November... When did this happen?

Well, I've neglected my blog for over a month now, and this is sad due to the fact that it isn't a very old blog. I kind of fail. So, the 2 people who actually read this... I apologize.

It's been a crazy time since I've last posted, so I'll try to fill you in on what's happened.

Titus 'n' Two Gents happened! That was a huge part of my life here at Milligan.
If you weren't aware, I took part in condensed versions of Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and Two Gentlemen of Verona.
This epic evening of two plays took place in the middle of October, and it went really well!
It was a relief when it was all over, but I do miss it now.
What I think I loved most of all, was that I got closer to many of the cast members.
Some great friendships are being strengthened this semester! Love it!









Brennan's Halloween Bash was a huge success!
I threw a costume party at my friend Danny's house,
And there was a great turn out, and fun was had by all.
Did we make a new tradition? I think we might have.
I dressed up as Robin, while my friend Jared dressed up as Batman.
Epic Win.











This past weekend, I traveled with the Swim Team to Swanee for an overnight meet.
It was a lot of fun! While the trip and the meet were long, I was able to hang out with some of my favorite people ever.



I'm trying to think of what else I need to fill people in on..
However, nothing really comes to mind...
Except for I have a 10 page rough draft due Friday,
And another 10 page paper due Monday.
I'm going to be writing a lot this week.
And I still don't have any personal drive to do any work.


I'm at work right now.
Listening to the Glee Soundtrack.
(I freaking love Lea Michele. I will probably marry her.)
I'm really bored.

So, that's it for now.
If you feel the need to inform me that I should inform you about something, be my guest.

Adam & Eve

Adam and Eve had it easy.

(Well, aside from the whole being kicked out of the Garden of Eden thing.)

But, for real.

They never had to question who they were going to be with.

They were the only two people on earth.
They didn't have to sort through 6 billion people.
No one telling them they can't be together.
No questions of sexual orientation,
No chance of cheating, or leaving for someone else.
No heartbreak or loneliness.
None of any of that sort.


It was simple.
Boy + Girl.
and that's it.

I envy them....